I just wanted to take a moment to give you guys an update since people are messaging me to ask how things are going. I’ll just post it here for those who were curious.
We had the wake and funeral yesterday. It went… well… as good as those sorts of things can go I suppose.
I was doing rather well while people were coming in (the casket was closed so that helped), I was walking around with my Grandma helping her greet people. I got to see both of my uncles again. The older Uncle looks just like my Grandpa did before he got sick, his voice sounded like my Grandpa’s as well. He hadn’t seen me since I was about 6 years old and a lot has changed since then (obviously… since I’m now almost 23 years old) The younger Uncle (my favorite) hasn’t seen me in a good 4 years as he’s been moving and such but he was happy to see me and was pleased to see I was doing well. My Sister upset me quite a bit considering she brought her bitchy room mate with her and the two of them sat and ignored everyone while playing on their phones. (She also refused to talk to me, not sure why, must have been the fact that she was hanging out with Commander Cunt Face.)
Once the Priest arrived my grandma and I talked to him and let him know that I wanted to say a few words (In which I was the only person who spoke besides the Priest)
Mind you, this is the first funeral I’ve had a hand in… ever…
So we all sat down (I was front and center between my grandma and the younger Uncle), the Priest said some prayers and such (Grandpa was Catholic, so there were some Our Fathers and Hail Marys and some Bible verses) then I was invited up to speak.
Up until this point I was doing a good job at staying calm, choking back the tears and anxiety… Once I got up to the podium it felt like I was drowning and choking on the air. I thanked everyone for coming then had to take a long pause as attempted to collect myself, my thoughts, and my voice. My boyfriend said I looked like a deer in the headlights and like I had completely forgotten how to function and was struggling to figure it all out. I opened my mouth and said some things I can’t quite remember but I know they must have touched the people listening to me because I could see some people start to cry and my Grandma grabbed my Uncle’s hand (it was either my words or the fact that I was crying) I remember saying that “my Grandpa will not only live on in Heaven but he’ll live on in our hearts and through the stories we tell about him” and something along the lines of “my Grandpa had so much to teach me, but the most important thing was that it doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re from, all that matters is what you learn and as long as you’re learning then you’re living” those are really the only things I remember saying (or rather choking out between the pauses while trying to catch my voice)
After that I went to sit back down again and my Uncle and Grandma held my hands and told me I did good. Then of course the 3 of us got up again and were given hugs and kind words as everyone was exiting (some for the Funeral Procession) I only knew a hand full of the people who were hugging me but they all said I did well and told me they were sorry for my loss and that my Grandpa would be proud. My Sister and Commander Cunt Face gave my Grandma and Uncle a hug and walked right past me, ignored my existence, I guess they were too busy adjusting the rods up their asses.
My boyfriend and I rode in the Funeral Procession along with my Uncles, Grandma, Sister and Co., and another couple I didn’t know.
We got to the cemetery and there were 2 members of the Armed Forces there to greet us as my Grandpa was a Veteran. We came into the building and sat down (I was between my Uncle and Grandma once again) One of the men walked in and saluted my Grandpa’s casket as the other played the Military Taps outside. I heard my Uncle begin to cry beside me (This is the first time I had ever seen him cry) and grabbed his hand then my Grandma began to cry as well so I took her hand too. The other gentleman came in and they folded up the flag over my Grandpa’s casket and presented it to my Grandma.
After that we all exchanged hugs and then everyone went home. My boyfriend has stayed with me for the past few days to make sure I’m okay.
There was a lot of crying from me. I tried to keep it together while with my family, because (like my Uncle) I try to maintain that hard-ass exterior. I failed quite miserably.
But then again so did he, so I guess I’m not so ashamed.
Now I’m just spending my time wrapped in my crochet afghan that my Grandpa made for me when I was little. I needed to wake up and try to function today and thought this was probably my best motivation before I let myself go back to bed in the next hour or 2 (I need to fix my sleep schedule… now would probably be the best time since I’m super tired)
Anyway, thank you all for your kind words and blessings.
I miss you all and I look forward to hopefully being well enough to stream for you guys again soon.
And please, don’t worry about me. I know I’ve had some pretty bad thoughts in the past but I’m back on my anti-depressants for the time being and I’ve been doing really well with taking care of myself and such. Today started off a little rough, but I expected it. Hopefully I’ll be back to functioning correctly in the next few days.
Love and Hugs,